Why You Can’t Find A Good Man

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By: David

 

I was reading a blog that I tend to read very often by Shaun King called Shaun in the City, and he brought up a hot button topic for men and women (particularly here in Atlanta.) He was concerned about why “good” women here are not able to find a man even though they are highly educated with Masters degrees and Ph.d’s and are beautiful. He says “own their own, they are the bomb. However, without fail, they are overwhelmingly single and highly disappointed with the market for men in our city.” He says that they are falling for men who are married, heterosexual and permanently single, sorry (permanently unemployed, cheaters, dirty, bad habits, abusive, thuggish, etc.), gay (undercover gay, normal gay, flamboyantly gay) or caught up in the criminal justice system (in jail, on the way to jail, or just got out of jail.)

I personally think that the “problem” is a lot more simple than these single people know. They are “too smart” for their own good, I suppose. And as I surfed through the comments (mostly from the ladies) I noticed again some of the same problems that is leaving them currently single. I wanted to respond to every single comment but instead decided to post this blogpost.

So here is my disclaimer: You will probably be offended. Get over it. Somebody had to tell you the truth. Sometimes the truth hurts and is most times controversial. Do not try to come up with excuses as to why I am wrong. I’m probably not. In fact, I’m quite sure of it. I’m not single. I’m pretty happily married. I am where you are trying to be. So stop wearing your feelings on your sleeves. If you will listen you might be able to be helped. So here goes. This is why you can’t find a good man.

1. You are defining your success by the wrong standards: I noticed that most of the comments in Shaun’s post were saying “I’m educated, and beautiful” as if being smart and pretty guarantees you a good man. There is nothing wrong with having something going for you in the education department and chances are you didn’t have anything to do with how pretty you are. (Thank your mama for that.) So why do you keep bringing this up? Do you think that a woman who is less educated and not so pretty should get the second rate gentlemen that you are so frequently ending up with? The fact is that if you are defining yourself by these things it’s being shallow. Why aren’t you talking about the integrity that you have, the character you possess? Why haven’t you mentioned that you are kind, funny, non-judgemental? Did you say anything about being supportive, easy going? Did you let us know that even though you aren’t yourself perfect that you have identified areas of your life that are weak and that you are working on it? Your MBA or Ph.d is really nice. It is. It just won’t help you advance your relationship. Sorry.

2. Measuring Men by the Wrong Stick: While at first that seems like a double entendre, it’s not meant to be. Your problem you smart, beautiful woman you, is that you choose men by a different standard than you measure him with. It’s like comparing apples and oranges. What do I mean? Well you choose men usually based solely on those same shallow standards that you use to measure your own success. So you look for a guy with money, has at least the same level education, and is extremely good looking. And there is nothing wrong with that, except you eventually measure him by more core items such as his character. You wait way too long to start making his character mean anything to you. While men tend to look for good lookng women, they also know what type of personality, character, etc. that he is looking for. There are men who are out just to have a good time (and there are men out there doing that) but when these men get serious, they absolutely already know what type of woman he wants in most areas and he won’t take a woman home to meet his parents that don’t fit the bill. They don’t settle. Why do you?

3. Fear of being alone: My wife and I always tell young ladies that we found each other during a time that neither of us were searching for a mate. We were absorbed in bettering ourselves personally and being busy about life. She tells them to stop looking for a man. Seriously just stop dating period. Yet these women think that if they start taking time out of the meat market to work on themselves and enjoy the gift of singleness, that Mr. Right will pass them by. “My biological clock is ticking and it’s cold on Christmas!” So instead of being discriminating, ladies, you end up trying to get close to whomever shows you any sort of interest just because of fear. Don’t give me excuses on this one.

4. Looking for Love in All The Wrong Places: Everyone knows the adage, that if you continue to do what you’ve been doing, you’ll continue to get what you’ve been getting. Where have you been finding all these “winners” you’ve been dating. If it has been at the same consistent places, may be it’s time for a change. I hear you saying, “I know somebody who found her husband at the night club or on Twitter.” Good for them. We are talking about you. That hasn’t worked for you. Really, you should try finding somebody at a place where you two are involved in an activity and get to interact more than once before exchanging phone numbers. This way you get a chance to see them interact with people in action a few times. “But I met him at church!” So what! While church seems noble you still don’t get a good chance to interact with him unless you are involved in a ministry activities with him. Bottom line: you need to see this person a few times more than once in most cases.

5. Looking for Love Period: I am a believer that a man finds a wife. Sorry. I believe in the Bible where it says that when a man finds a wife he finds good.  Ladies, that does not put you in a powerless position. It makes the man do the chasing and it puts you in a position to examine and send the dirty rotten scoundrels on their way. “But what if the guys don’t come looking for me?” Well, it looks like that fear of being alone creeping back in. If they are not seeking after you… why are you chasing them? The men that you chase figure that you are desperate. He knows that he can be sorry, married, a player, or whatever and still stay in your good graces a long time because you came looking for him. When you came chasing you gave your power away.

6. Making Things Options That Shouldn’t Be Options: One of the most disturbing comments I read in Shaun’s post was a woman who said that she considered “settling for someone else’s man.” Uh, this should not have even been an option. This is like saying you are looking for a new car and come looking in my garage. That’s not an option on the table for you. I am never sure why single women want married men, even if these married men come looking for you – he’s no-good ladies! The second thing I read is that the women think that the options mentioned in the post (married, sorry, in the justice system, player, etc.) are the only options out there. This list should be your “don’t date” list, not your dating options list. Once you eliminate these guys all that’s left are those good men that you have been in search of.

7. Stop saying there are no good men!: I commented on Shaun’s post asking women to stop saying that there are no good men out there. There are good men. I am one of them. And before I married my wife, I was a single man and my wife was able to see past all the crap guys to see me and I pursued her. Ladies, if you stay convinced that there are no good men, you will continue to settle for the ones that aren’t. Keep hope alive. There are good men.  You just need to make sure that when he finds you, that you are everything that you want him to be. Because a good man is not looking for a woman that is less a good woman than he is a good man.

Now you can chew me out in the comment section below. Thanks.

This entry was posted in Ask A Man, Tips on Dating and tagged . Bookmark the permalink.

14 Responses to Why You Can’t Find A Good Man

  1. Thanks for posting, I truly enjoyed your most recent post. I think you should post more frequently, you evidently have natural ability for blogging!

  2. FeabFawsGaita says:

    I’d like a single to Paris, please.
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    signature: nizoral e8gg9e9898gkejijijilmeoroio

  3. Zashkaser says:

    Thanks for post. Nice to see such good ideas.

  4. admin says:

    I love it. I’m working on the idea being international. Stay tuned! =)

  5. Jessie says:

    Okay, this was so well said that I read it carefully. I will tell all of my friends to read this. I’m 28, single, black, no children, attractive and wise on life not necessarily “educated college degree”. Check this out…for the past 9 years I have not dated and I have not been sexually active. (And no I’m not gay) I absolutely LOVE men. It’s just that, I’m a musician and I sacrificed those years to get to know me and my craft. In that time of no dating and celebacy I have met soooo many great men, but I wasn’t ready at that time. Friends and family would tell me that I was crazy and that I would be single for the rest of my life. Well it’s so funny that 9 years have past and not only are most of them still single, but they have babies out of wedlock, still chasing deadbeats and they have several disgusting memories of love, infidelity and all. Uh, I think I’ll pass on taking advice from them. At least I know that all these years I have built solid character and standards not based on a college degree and outer beauty. Oh yeah and by the way as a musician I’m more financially solid than most of my friends with degrees and I’m not too bad on the eyes either!!!!

  6. seroquel says:

    I don`t feel like going there.
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    signature: motrin online e0hrrvke8fkf65e3564fg79

  7. admin says:

    Wow! You are very disciplined. I’ve learned to not compare my life to others and to not rush BS. I think we get to caught up in these time limitations on when we should finish college, get married, and have children. But I’ve heard of people like you that love what they’re doing with their life career wise and have no time for anything else. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. If you are ever in Atlanta, I would love to meet you. =)

  8. last Thursday I’ve just enter to search married women dating sites and get your post as a result! That’s what exactly what I need! God bless Internet:)

  9. admin says:

    Thank you. Technology is something else these days. Anything you want the answer to, GOOGLE it…lol. Glad you enjoyed. Stay tuned for more. And if you are single living in the Atlanta area, I’m having a FREE singles event next month called “Polaroid Flirt Wall”… Details coming soon!

  10. BLWA says:

    I also read pastor Shaun’s blog regularly. I am a 25 year old African-American female in Atlanta and just got married August 1st to a wonderful 25 year old African-American man who is originally from ATL. Granted that we met while we were in college in South Carolina, he was and still is a great man in ATL and was single at one time. Before we got married he said that there were not many females in Atlanta that he wanted to pursue because he was looking for a girl that didn’t have so many superficial standards and didn’t always want to go to club. So, apparently, there are guys in ATL that feel the same way you do.

    I think your post was great and spoke many truths. We as women have to take care of ourselves first and not put ourselves in certain positions to be hurt…regardless of how much we may want a guy…We have to understand that having a man in our life does not define our self worth. We also have to get rid of the “fairy-tale” romance that we think is actually possible. My husband and I have a lot of love and respect for one another. We also have a lot of fun and joke around with each other, but marriage in general is not always a fairy-tale and it’s not always easy. Even if you find a great guy and you have a lot in common, it is still going to be an adjustment and difficulties that will come up along the way. No man or woman is perfect. When you find a good guy, you have to ask yourself if the things that you don’t like about him will keep you from loving him and accepting him for who he is. I think single ladies should understand that it takes a measure of humbleness and realness with ourselves to get to the core of what might be going wrong. I mean, is it really a big deal if your guy is boring? Or if he doesn’t have the type of job you think he should have? Or if he doesn’t have a degree? Maybe you are the missing piece in his life to help him be those things that you think he could be to help him discover things about himself that he didn’t already know. Please understand, you cannot change a man, but you can inspire him in a way that makes him want to be a better man for you simply by being a good, down-to-earth, wholesome woman. My husband and I did pre-marital counseling and our counselor told us that God brings husbands and wives together to help shape and mold each other for His divine purpose. He also shared with us that everything would not be easy and that a lot of times the same thing that you love about a person may be the same things that you don’t like.

    To all of the single ladies out there—the guy will find you in DUE time. When my husband and I decided that we wanted to get married, guess what, we were both out of work. It was a hard decision to make together because there was no income, but we made it together and now we look back on the last year and we are able to see how blessed we really are.

    Please understand that a woman cannot change a man, but if that man loves and respects you, he will treat you differently than he has treated any other woman—AND it takes a mature man, a REAL man to be able to actually recognize that he does love and respect you and treat you like he does.

    I hope this helps to shed light on this issue from a woman’s perspective.

    Thanks. :)

  11. TJ says:

    Good men don’t want gold diggers.Good men don’t want reformed sluts. Good men don’t want to pick up the tab for someone else’s kids.Good men don’t want hard women with a checklist of what they want in a man. Good men don’t want unstable menopausal women with an obsession with their biological clocks. In short, good men do not want the modern western woman.

  12. PickUp Guru says:

    I finaly finished writing my book, it’s available now to anyone that wants to learn how i pick up cute ladies everywhere i go. There are no big secrets but most guys don’t understand the basic things about women and most of them have no clue how to succesfuly aproach them. Well i teach everything in my book, from the beginning till the end, let me put it like that. Anyway, i just wanted to inform you guys, YES IT IS POSSIBLE TO DATE VERY HOT BABES for every single male that knows the howTOs!

  13. Peacelover says:

    I have come to terms with the fact that being single as a man in Atlanta is better than being in a relationship. Relationships are far too onesided favoring the woman. The risk is far too great and the rewards are minimal. I hear woman say they dont need a man. The hypocracy in that is far from obvious in the minds of the woman who say this. I am independent is said with pride and when you ask if the independence they speak of is definitive or interpretive they become offensive. Shaming tactics, manipulation, double standards, unreasonable expectations, unhealthy levels of entitlement, and residing in the fantasy world doesnt make a woman an asset to a man. It makes them liabilities. I am so glad that I am single with no kids and plan to remain that way. Enough is enough when it comes to the ridiculousness that many of the woman I have met believes is considered a strength when really its weakness warmed over. Marriage is the death of a man. The only thing woman are independent of is men. Think about it. They have mortgages,car loans and credit card debt. Thats not independence, thats self sufficiency. A job is not independent,thats walking a tightrope in another mans circus.Living in the real world takes guts and it also requires not being in denial in anyway. So few realize this and as a result lie to themselves and do so with the hopes of others seeing these lies as truth. If you work for someone else you are not independent.If you have debt,you are not independent. You are DEPENDENT ! If you pay interest you are not independent. DEPENDENT ! The average woman has become dependent on 6 institutions so they wont have to depend on 1, the institution of marriage. The result is a fantasy world that they have created that they now want a man to live in with them. Ridiculousness of epidemic proportion!!!!!!!

  14. Rick Dix says:

    Great article. I’ve become semi obsessed with this whole issue of the single, successful, black woman. I married a great bw who is a Dr. She’s cute but pretty plain looking. We are in Chicago for a conference and while shopping a really cute woman passed us in the mall and kind of gave us the once over, seeing our wedding bands. She had a perplexed look on her face and I noticed she didn’t have a weeding band(unmarried). All I could think of, right or wrong, is that she was thinking ‘how the F- did this plain jane get a man and I can’t keep one?’ Although my wife and I have our share of problems she’s a lot better than the overentitled, not really fly women, who complain so much. What these women don’t realize is that by having the right standards for themselves that do not involve what you make or what you own, that meet and be open to a better type of man.

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